I find comfort in things that are and will be the same. I know that this is not unusual for humans but I think this preference runs a little deeper in me than in most. For example I have a playlist that I've built of only my most-favorite songs that I listen to almost every day and despite knowing every word and the order of every song, I keep listening to it because, gosh darn it, I like it. I know it.
You may notice that I'm actually in the middle of a layout change. I'm working with a very talented graphic designer friend of mine, Brianna Blue, to add a certain je ne sais quoi to what would otherwise be a pretty bland, generic blog template. Please check out her website for more awesome designs.
In practice, it's a little more than a makeover, even. The fancy banner at the top of the page and all of its accouterments actually constitutes a pretty Big and Scary thing for me: progress towards a Vague and Potentially Unattainable Goal.
For as long as I've been knitting (and that's actually been a fair number of years now... seven or eight, depending), I've wanted to do something Bigger and Net Positive with it. I always knew that I enjoyed knitting. Even when I wasn't really sure why knitting a stitch and then purling a stitch ended up geometrically increasing the number of stitches on my needles, I knew that I liked working with my hands. And by the time I figured out that throwing one's stitches means having to move one's yarn to either the front or back of one's knitting to prevent unintentional yarn-overs, I was pretty fixated on this vague idea that I'd like to do Something with this
All of these capital letters do a poor job of illustrating the discomfort of doing a workaday job that has very little to do with your actual interests that leaves you too mentally and emotionally exhausted to do much else. Performing a job function admirably can be its own reward, but not necessarily when you've got your heart set on something else. All the capital letters in the world can't adequately explain coming home from a day of spreadsheets, weeping and unfulfilled. Frustrated that this Isn't What You Want and Why Did I Let Myself Become This?
So you decide that, maybe, it's time to try something else.
Then comes the nagging sense that even if you could find a job or niche to fill with your preferred skilled set, would it transfigure the passion of your life into something menial and ultimately soul-sucking? The doubts and fears come slinking in, black and inky, and start to mar the dream you'd begun to cultivate in your head. Because there isn't enough room for you to dream with all those pragmatic thoughts in your head-- there is always someone more talented and more poised to succeed than you. Why even bother?
I still daily struggle with this self-defeating idea. Some days, I kick it in the face. Some days, I valiantly ignore the doubts gnawing on me like an overzealous terrier... some days, and they seem to still be more numerous than the others, I can only do my absolute best not to agree in despair.
There's nothing quite like putting yourself out there. For as much as I don't much care for change or strife or struggle, I'm still here. I've still started this blog, I've still worked with a graphic designer to make some lovely designs. I'm Trying and, for me, that's huge. It's momentous.
As someone who has been known not to try because there's the off-chance that any attempt might end in abject failure, doing Anything still amounts to a pretty big Something.
Even though I'm not exactly sure where this Something might take me, I'm still pleased to be attempting it, nevertheless.
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My birthday was last Saturday and while I spent the weekend miserably sick with the flu, I was still the recipient of some excellent yarn-related gifts.
My dearest boyfriend took me to Fancy Tiger Crafts in Denver, Colorado where he thoroughly spoiled me by purchasing me an armload of yarn. He kept asking 'are you sure this is enough? You knit so fast, I don't think this is enough-- go pick out more'. What knitter could possibly ignore a phrase like that? Yeah, I think I'll keep him around. Not just because he willingly wandered around a high-end yarn store with me for the better part of an hour without complaint... though that certainly doesn't hurt the case for him...
I ended up with two skeins of Madelinetosh Light Merino in Saffron to make a Maple Leaf Shawl, a skein of Madelinetosh Tosh DK in Moodland to make a pair of Glittens, and a skein of Madelinetosh Sock in Tart to make a pair of No Glove(s), No Love.
Glittens sounds so borderline obscene but it's a nice pattern...
You may have noticed a slight obsession on my part towards Madelinetosh. Yes, it's true. MadTosh and I have a torrid love affair going on. I was going to diversify and get some Quince & Co or something instead but then I figured-- who am I kidding? It's my birthday, I'll MadTosh if I want to.
Thank you to the ladies at the Fancy Tiger. I swear, I didn't sneeze or sniffle on anything, despite how flu-zombie'd I may have looked. Thank you for not throwing my butt out into the snow.
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